An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
