dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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