if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
found the other keg... it's in the tree
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
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