When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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