I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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