He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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