sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.â€
Randomize
