My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
