True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
