You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
