dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
