First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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