I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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