I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
