yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
