Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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