Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Semen is not good for contacts.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
