planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Randomize
