Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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