Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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