I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
