I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
