My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
