This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Randomize
