Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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