i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
