Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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