Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
