Capitaan dildo arrescate!
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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