everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Randomize