Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Randomize
