They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
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