Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
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