Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
