I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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