You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
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