i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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