Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize