i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
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