They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize