he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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