Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
