i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
