The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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