I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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