I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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