There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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