Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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