I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
