New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
What a dumb baby whore.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
