hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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