also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
