I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
