Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
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