a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
