the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
