Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
