i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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